This card is so my life, I had to send it to myself.
I'm not what you'd call "outdoorsy." I don't sleep in tents, eat baked beans heated over a campfire, hang extra food in trees to avoid bear attacks, squat in the woods to pee and go three days without a shower only to wax poetically about the beauty of communing with nature.
While I didn't move into a big city to necessarily get away from nature, I certainly don't go looking for it.
Unfortunately, nature has come looking for me.
For those of you uninitiated in City Nature, let me give you a quick primer on the pseudo-wildlife I usually encounter on my daily walks through Boston Common:
Sparrows: At first glance, these tiny birds seem cute... until you realize that speck on the ground they're pecking at is a small scrap of week-old, moldy pizza crust. Don't be fooled by their diminutive stature -- these birds are territorial and will go straight for your eyes if you get in the way of their next meal.
Pigeons: Rats with wings. They group together in massive flocks that blot out the sun and veer back and forth across open areas of the Common, sending out rogue scouts to dive bomb unsuspecting passerby. One came so close yesterday that it nearly took my nose right off. I'm totally not kidding. I've already accepted the fact that one day soon I'll be featured in the Globe under the heading, "Pigeon Attacks Area Woman; No One Comes to Her Rescue."
Dogs off their leash: Let me be the first to propose a new Massachusetts state law that makes it legal to shoot dogs that are not on leashes. And their owners.
Squirrels: Squirrels mean business in Boston Common. They are not shy. I've seen squirrels run up a person's pant leg, sit on another person's knee, eat out of a child's hand and worse. This is not a petting zoo! These animals are not tame! Woe is he who runs out of nuts.
Rats: I knew there'd be rats in a big city, I just didn't realize they'd be scurrying around in broad daylight.
The homeless: Boston Common doubles as a bedroom/drug den/fighting cage/porn movie set for the city's homeless population. Enter after dark at your own risk.
Horse shit: I've never actually seen the equines that leave these piles all over the park sidewalks, but the stench tells me they must exist.
Seriously, I'd take a black bear, panther, moose or other backwoods animal encounter over a citified critter any day. I may need to plan a camping trip just to get away from all this.
